Saturday, December 24, 2011

New Endings

Just as there are new beginnings, there are new endings...

The year is closing out and I'm ending a few chapters in my life. Some painful and some pleasant, but this year one in particular that was painful.

Earlier this year, I blogged through a post titled 'new beginnings' where I spoke about how I was beginning to look for my spouse and it brought a few surprises from my parents and family members. I'll elaborate more on the surprises. Essentially, my parents and family members always presumed that I would be passive in choosing my spouse and let them rather select the sisters that would be presented to me and then choose from their pre-approved 'pool' of sisters. I wasn't interested in that and found a sister I was interested in and whom I considered to be a good match for me. She didn't fit the bill my parents would have liked and most of this year was spent with me building my case for my interest in this sister.

I had put many hours of labor - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual (yes, I made duaa' for the best) in trying to reach my goal: Marriage; specifically to this sister.

The outcome was different than what I hoped. I have learned much about myself and life in this process that I wish to pen down but I'll do that in another place more private.

I will say that for about three weeks, I was upset and felt miserable - melancholic. I walked around as a hollow being mechanically carrying out my work, knowing that inside of me I was wounded and hurt from the process.

Of course, I could not continue of wallow in remorse indefinitely and in the last 2-3 days I've been returning to normalcy.

I made a few decisions. InshAllah this 2012, I plan to make Umrah - I need to revitalize my soul and deen, and the best thing I can think of is visiting Bait'ul Allah in Mecca and visiting Madinah.