Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Moments of Low Eman

Yes. I am at a low point in my eman. Have I rock bottom? Not sure but I have never been more low in my last 5 years.

I have tried to speak to good friends, family, and even an Imam of a local masjid and their answers have been very weak.

Two of my closest friends confided that they also had low points in their eman and after a while I got the 'deal with vibe' from them - although not in negative way.

I've come realize that there is no support group for Muslims in small communities - even large city communities. For Muslim men, we are told to be strong "men" and most take that literally and show little about their true feelings when they are are having eman problems.

The eman low problem is coupled with my loneliness. While not thoughts of depression - I do have feelings of emptiness. I've spent my time killing it with sports news and other things to distract me from realizing my emptiness but I don't think I can no longer do this.

Perhaps its because all my good friends have gotten married (no - I'm not a woman) but Muslim guys to feel that maybe they are missing the boat on marriage. I don't know.

For some reason I feel an emotional/spiritual pain. I don't know why. Its a feeling that has sat at the bottom of my heart for a while.

I tried to cry the other day to see if it would but I could not find myself to cry after salah. I haven't cried in the longest time. Perhaps years. I think it used to help me.

I saw a girl crying yesterday. I was prosecuting her (I'm a 3L) at my externship. I felt bad... she was a recovering drug addict. Hearing her talk about her addiction made me realize my own spiritual pain.